This morning I gathered all my courage, I started gathering them since Sunday, and walked into my supervisor’s room. Wanted to meet him yesterday but he was still on holiday so today was the perfect day. We research students have to submit our progress report every semester. Yes! And based on this progress report and our other meetings with our supervisors that we are given grades.
I handed him the report. A few seconds after that I told him that I am very sorry. Not that I am quitting my master’s studies but for not being faithful to my research. Yeah, you got it! I was such a beautiful liar all these while. I promised to work hard but the promises never materialized. Most of the time, I was wondering away from my goals because I just can’t see light inside this tunnel!
Many uncountable unproductive activities I did for the past two months. Also, the Chinese Apostolate is also digging away my time. All those activities and events to organize is simply making me drifting from my main goal. Not pointing my gold fingers to anyone but myself. It’s just me not being so organized.
There’s no point in seeking forgiveness if one does not resolute to be a better person. Frankly, I told him that I have decided and planned to report to him my progress once a fortnight which he willingly agreed. I thank him for not scolding me but accepted my apologies. I believe, like St Paul, everyone will at one point of their lives experience conversion(s). This is my most latest conversion, from a lazy log to a go-go-guy!
Despite the busy schedule, I will still keep writing as Brother Alvin in his text message reminds me to keep writing! There will be a follow-up program for the vocation camp which I attended by the Jesuits (click to read). Too bad, I cannot make it. Most likely there will be another one coming soon. Fingers crossed.
Talking about vocation, less and less am I experiencing it. Partly because my spiritual live is going down the slope and partly due to too many things to take care of. The only call I got these days is to get out of UTM next year, sounds great and so true!
The whole point of this post is, if you want to keep moving, P.U.S.H! Get yourself on the go by telling others your target and goal, that way you feel pressured to achieve them. I remember reading somewhere that P.U.S.H means praying until something happens. Wonderful!
Blogging to me now means a leisure activity for the night, while blog reading only during lunch hour or tea break. It is good to see drummie getting back to blogging after a one month hiatus. Really missed her posts.
So these days, I stop slacking and get real. I know my friends would be glad to see a better me.
I’m already in holiday mood, raya is just around the corner. There is this thought which is bugging me of late. I sense that there is this slight alteration of my manners. Contrary to what I used to be (good) in the past, I am more of a blast and bummer lately.
I find satisfaction in making jokes of others or simply kicking them around. I feel so good for being sarcastic. My figure of speech turns somewhat hostile. Even the angelic smile now turns hyena.
Something is happening but I don’t know what.
I guess I am sensing pheromone around me. Pheromone is defined as a chemical substance secreted externally by some animals that influences the physiology or behaviour of other animals of the same species. For heaven’s sake, do not tell me to explain what is happening. I don’t even know where this thing comes from or who is emitting it, but I can sense it.
Just so if you note, I no longer am the blog hopping or daily blog dropping-by kind of neighbour. People don’t get to see me often at blogs I used to visit back then. It has been weeks since I visit most blogs listed at my favourite list.
Being able to read what others share used to be a favourite thing in the past, but I am not sure if it is still now. The shit with blogging is that once you get out of touch with your close neighbours, people then tend to forget about you. And as time goes by, you find yourself locked up in someone’s treasure box. It is hard to get connected unless you yourself be the initiator.
This happens to friendship as well. When you are too busy to get in touch with your friends, the moment you start saying to yourself “Oh, I am so busy to text or call them” I can assure you that the gap is getting bigger and bigger.
Blogging, as much as friendship, needs to be showered with countinuous flow of spring water (flow of communication). This raya holiday, I will try to spend some time making my presence felt at those long visited blogs. =)
Jay Chou is going to release his new album next month. Jon has managed to get me into buying his original album. At first I thought of just buying his conventional type of album which is priced around 40 bucks. But then now I am going for the album clad in metal box plus a magic cube collectible which will cost around 90 bucks.
This is a crazy week, extremely crazy I tell you. You don’t know what it’s like to be like me. What I am going through for these few weeks is just awesomely mind bugging, physical and energy consuming. Birthday parties, dinners, gatherings, council meetings, paper writing and a few which I am too lazy to mention, when added up really drives me crazy.
You might think I’m happy but I’m not gonna be okay (sometimes though not always), everybody always gave me what I wanted. But they don’t know what it’s like to be like me.
I need to be heard, to feel love, to be cared, to be hugged, I need what a human need - genuine affection! I need a jungle to breathe, lots of oxygen for me to breathe! Sometimes I really wish I could disappear to somewhere else, far far away from this place. I am just a human, not a superhuman.
I really miss movie at TGV, dinner with great companions, gym at Kompleks Sukan, singing at RedBox, getting partially-naked at Desaru (the nearest beach), lock myself up in the room screaming to Simple Plan or Linkin Park, shopping at City Square and so much more I have sacrificed for the sake of serving Him.
Sometimes I wonder why I have to give up so much to follow Him. Is this a kind of test? Sometimes I wonder. But whenever I recalled what Matthew wrote in the gospel, I feel peace. Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who labour and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”
“Come to me, all you who labuor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28
Come to think about it, I know what I am missing, I missed prayer and communion with God! It has been a while since I knelt down in my room to talk to God. Forgive me Lord. I was too hooked up with all these distracting stuffs happening in my life.
Anyway, I want to give thanks to God for all these while after Eddie left us. Our BEC Taman Universiti has solved some unsorted issues, our Tian Yue Choir is celebrating her 1st anniversary tonight, our St Paul’s Youth has just organized their camp last month and our Sunday School teachers are busy preparing for a camp due in November. What more is that I am pushing for more bonding among the Chinese Apostolate committee.
Ah!! I feel good now that I channeled my kept feelings. I’d like to share with you this song, Welcome to my life - Simple Plan. I just love Simple Plan.
Dear friends, if you are reading this, the next time you see me don’t feel shy to just give me a hug. One need no reason to hug another person. I will appreciate it, really. It’s never wrong for a guy to ask to be hugged, we are all human despite the difference in gender.
